Diamonds Have Four C’s, But Relationships Have One.

People often ask me, what’s the key to a successful marriage? (Actually, nobody ever asks me that. But I’ll tell you anyway). It’s one word: Compromise.

It’s funny how we’re taught as children that we have to share and compromise with our friends, siblings, and classmates. But for some reason, when we grow up and enter into relationships—marriage or otherwise—as adults, we sometimes forget what it takes to simply get along with the person we’re living with. Maybe we think that because we’re married and we love each other, we don’t need to negotiate or compromise? (“What are we in a business partnership or something?!”)

But nothing could be further from the truth. Love doesn’t conquer all—it’s compromise that keeps the wheels of a successful marriage greased and spinning. Perhaps love can give you the motivation to WANT to compromise, especially when it’s a particularly difficult topic like chores, kids, money, sex, job—all the ‘hot button’ issues that can polarize a relationship (toilet paper roll direction?),  but the give-and-take of “let’s make a deal” is where the rubber meets the relational road. (Maybe there’s nothing romantic about negotiating, but if you’re getting along great, and spending less time arguing, you’ll have more time to be romantic!)

Behavioral therapists call this wheeling and dealing in a marriage ‘contingency contracting.’ Hannibal Lechter told Clarice it was all about quid pro quo (this for that). Who knew he was so wise when it came to relationships? You take out the trash and I’ll buy the Chianti. Everybody wins.

And here’s a little secret: If you can compromise over little things the majority of the time, I’d be willing to bet that you’ll build so much goodwill in your relationship (see my Emotional Bank Account post), that when a bigger issue arises, it would be tackled much more successfully than if you both approached it with your usual pattern of digging your heels in.

So next time you’re ready to argue or not concede your position with your partner—even on something small—take a small step toward change and stop yourself. Forget you’re in a marriage and pretend you’re in a business meeting instead—and negotiate a COMPROMISE!

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I hope you’ve found this information useful. If you think marital and family therapy could help you reach your goals, please don’t hesitate to contact me at mark@laurakohngroup.com or 954-617-3100.